Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Why are we waiting?

I said in a previous post that I should write one with the above title, with regards to our adoption saga. It's a funny thing in this country that we are always being told that there is a great need for adopters, and yet, we have waited for over 5 years for a child to be placed with us. We are deemed "not normal". Our current social worker had to inform us today that the social worker of the baby for whom we were being considered was put off by certain facts about us. We don't feel too devastated, (although we were lead to believe we had a very good chance of being given this baby), since we have been let down on several previous occasions, and we have psychologically geared ourselves up to this likelihood.

So, what's the matter with us eh? Well, the sad truth is, in this day of inclusiveness, where anything goes - even homosexuals being able to adopt, there's just one kind of 'not normal' that social workers can't seem to include, ie, a practising Catholic couple, who homeschool, and who don't have a tv!!! Which of these three things is the greatest block in the social workers' minds, to giving a child a loving stable home, where they will be cherished is anybody's guess.

We started out on this course of self-inflicted disappointment because we thought it would be our way of being open to life, and something that God was calling us to do. We are learning something from all this, but I think it will take some serious prayer to understand what God has been teaching us.
Why did we receive this news today, perhaps it is fitting on a day for renunciation of all attachment to earthly things. Even the desire for another child?
I don't think we'll be waiting any more, it must be time to let go.


Alexa <*}}}>< said...

Well, I think perhaps it's like being infertile and not understanding why God doesn't change things!

Have you considered (or IS it?) a Catholic Adoption Agency?

Dear Elizabeth - I will keep you in our prayers - most especially tonight.

MaggieClitheroe said...

Alexa, I agree, and I do feel for those couples who were unable to have any children at all, and also for all those women who longed to get married and have children, but never had Mr. Right sent their way.
We started off with a local authority agency, but we are now with a Catholic one, however, they have to work within a horrifying system of political correctness. What makes my heart bleed, is not so much that we haven't been given a child through adoption (the one we have has been such a HUGE blessing), but that we have been sitting around, available for any child white, black, pink or green, for so long, and children of 5 years old are now in the system, and becoming unadoptable (except to the heroic). It is those children who are being let down by the system, which is blatantly anti-Catholic. The irony is, we could have legally adopted a mixed-race, or chinese, or black african baby from abroad if we had had the money, and the "authorities" in this country would have had to accept it. But if they have a child of a different ethnic background to us, then they'd rather leave it in the system for longer until the "perfect match" is found, which, as they'd admit, is rare, since there are fewer "non-white" people coming forward to adopt.
But there are two Catholic homeschooling families we know who have been blessed with children, so it is not all doom and gloom (one family has adopted from overseas, but the other has managed to do it in this country).

Thankyou so much for your prayers, God Bless.

WhiteStoneNameSeeker said...

I am so sorry this is what you have to go through to be open to life. I had thought things were beginning to change when it came to the placement of what nowadays we must call dual heritage children-but obviously not.

Some years ago I remember watching a series about couples going through the process of adoption. The couple with the money to go abroad got a child quite quickly-but the others went through what I thought was hell. The couple who went through the worst kind of hell was the Christian couple. The SWs had special meetings and openly admitted reservations because SHOCK HORROR this couple attended an Evangelical church.

It seems things have not improved.
God bless you and guide you.

On the side of the angels said...

play the game !!!
BUY THE TV - you can always use it for just dvds or family videos - if you're going to homeschool you'll be expected to train them with a 'first computer ' type thing one plugs into a tv; plus I'm not being funny; but not all video games are gratuitous violence , gore and sex - some are informative and imagination inspiring - find these things out before you state these 'ab-normative views' like homeschooling and no tv - please be aware that social workers hyperbolise and extrapolate on factoids - these things may be unusual within society but to some they are out and out weird - especially to a social worker
LIE about homeschooling - social workers hate any asaults upon the system in general - to assume that a social worker would think nothing 'disruptive' about it is naiive beyond imagining - plus to be fair homeschooling is only sensible for children after they have developed a social network of friends ;and can continue it outside the school system - say around eight?
If you don't want to lie about homseschooling you can suggest a collective network of homseschooling families where children won't be deprived of 'networking'...
You want a kid - you play the game....
On top of which what exactly are you playing at ?
I don't mean to be rude here but have you possibly considered that this potential adopted child is NOT going to be a toy doll or robot with a tabula rasa - you may have a God-given duty to teach, inform and advise a value system - but to impose a lifestyle where your personal tastes and opinions on the external world become the only accessible or available phenomena in the option ??

This may seem cruel and somewhat pragmatic - but we're talking about children ; my father's life revolves around sports and motor cars - nothing repulses me more - my mother-in-law is all 'hallmark tv movies' , soap operas and 'true to life' dramas with mills and boon romances thrown in ; my partner is anything but ; a child is not going to become a miniature facsimile of you both - sure you may be there to help form character and moral and credal perspectives ; but when it comes to exigences like hobbies and pastimes ? You can't pick and choose ! My mother wanted my daughter to be a copy of my sisters - all ballet classes and fancy party frocks ; barbie dolls and enid blyton books - our daughter finds all these things irrelevent and devoid of any pertinence. I have a vast library of books I desperately desired my chidren to read to form them and give them a sense of literary appreciation - they are not interested ; despite their many attempts trying to placate my avid fervour so as not to disappoint me; they could never prolong the masquerade more than the shortest of times - because it wasn't in them !!!
You really have to be aware of what you're about - and try and see what those ignorant and shallow individuals outside your lifestyle looking in deduce from your way of life and how 'weird' it their eyes.
Don't compromise on your authenticity - but if you want this to happen you're going to have to be as cunning as foxes - and play the game !

MaggieClitheroe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MaggieClitheroe said...

On the side of the angels, it was interesting to hear your view. Unfortunately, you don't sound like you have a lot of experience of what it is like to be assessed for adoption; and, like most social workers, obviously don't have much idea of what homeschooling involves, which is fine, but maybe you ought not to comment on the subject without finding out a bit more?
But to answer some of your points:-
Sorry, I should have said in the post that we don't watch tv. We DO have a tv set, and yes, we know all about DVD's, videos, and how to watch what we want to watch on computer. I might beg to differ with you on whether computer games can be imagination inspiring, but that's another topic. I suppose you are right, we could've been more cunning, and not admitted to the fact that we don't watch tv broadcasts, and that is one thing I would advise potential adopters to keep quiet about, as it's not something the social workers can really check on.
Yes, in retrospect, we might have gone against our principles, and lied about the home-schooling, (it's a bit late now, since we have been assessed, and APPROVED, to be adopters) it just would have been a little difficult to explain the constant presence at home of our birth child, whenever the social worker turned up, and the fact that we would have been unable to get a school nurse's report on him! So we owned up to our "terrible secret" and even told the social workers all about our network of homeschoolers.
And to be quite blunt I think you were rather rude to make judgemental remarks about us when you haven't got a clue who we are, or what we've been through. I think that perhaps you should know that any adoptive parent who has been through the rigours of the assessment process, is WELL AWARE that they are not going to be given a "doll" or a "robot" to do with as they wish. We KNOW that by the sheer fact that they have been parted from their birth family (for whatever reason) there is going to be a huge gaping wound in them, and that's before we consider any neglect or abuse that they might have experienced. I should think that adoptive parents have far less illusions about churning out ballet princesses or literary giants.
(By the way, did you ever try interesting your children in literature by spending hours reading to them? You can't just bung a child in a library and expect them to fall in love with books! - but maybe you did. I taught my son to read at an early age because I spent time with him, and was able to see that he loved words. Once he'd picked it up, he was away, and reading all the chronicles of Narnia by the age of 6, when he got to the Lord of the Rings, aged 7, he'd left me way behind. He's read things that I haven't the time or inclination to read. If we had had a child placed with us who had learning difficulties, or who was more mathematically inclined, I would not have had the same expectations! I would have let them develop according to their own inclinations).
God Bless you.

On the side of the angels said...

Maggie, really sorry, it was really badly written and a lot of what was written as single sentences when connected with others makes the whohing look terrible and thoughtless as if you were the guilty parties in this - I inteneded to make the exact opposite intimation ; by being hyperbolic and expressing 'over-the-top' opinions of those determining your 'worth' - the anglicisms overladen with cynicism were intentionally over-malicious to indicate the thoughtless cruelty of people looking in.
These people -and yes I do have considerable experience of friends going through the adoption process - one was even the subject of a television documentary [refused because she'd suffered short-term clinical depression after multiple miscarriages many years previously]callous and ignorant and the last people on the planet who should be placed in charge of the duties and responsibilities afforded to them...
My bad was not to have the 'playing at' in inverted commas ; as was intended - it was there to suggest that people looking in see an agenda - and if you're catholic with a specific orthodox devout lifestyle - they're going to hate it [ironically some of the most antagonistic to it can be catholic adoption agencies who much prefer the shiny happy 'brother and sister-type' [not sure if you'll get the allusion - but they don't exactly act like a husband and wife] of married couple who want the child as an accessory - but they go through all the 'politically correct' motions]

All I was trying to say was that external viewers will see one set of specific lifestyle choices and then presume from the outside that there is no flexibility because of their extraordinary nature.
I was never intending to be rude about you - but exceedingly rude about your interrogators/assessors ; I was suggesting that because children are children who are always laden with surprises regarding hobbies/interests/tastes etc no matter how adaptable you really are, no matter how flexible and loving - this has to be rammed down the examiner's/interrogator's/grand inquisitor's throat that you are open to it all....

It really is all about playing the game; and it's a terrible situation to be in - my friend is a regional head of social services and his biggest struggle is having to suspect and think the worst of everyone - because if he doesn't children suffer and even die at the hands of very clever, deceptive and manipulative people...

MaggieClitheroe said...

Thanks for that clarification, on the side of the angels, yes, it is a difficult process for all those good people involved, and to some extent, social workers do have the children's interest at heart, it's just that some of them don't seem to understand what children really need.
God Bless.